Considering the fact that I still have some Christmas shopping and wrapping yet to do I’m well aware that I have absolutely no business storytelling but I have some news that I just can’t get over and have to share with you! It’s truly miraculous! I mean, nearly unfathomable!
No no no. I don’t want to start it that way. Sounds too dramatic. How about…
Do I have the business opportunity available for you! I have a new product idea that I’m not going to be able to have on the shelves for all the New Year’s resolutioners without some help. This product promises to be just as wildly popular and financially productive as my Das Feid Baug and DisposAll Vac. I mean, this product is practically screaming pyramidal business model (with me at the pinnacle of course; being the mastermind of the idea). I know it is simply waiting to flood Facebook with success stories!
Nah, I’m not in the mood to write a commercial either.
How about I just tell you a little bit about the recent goings on at our home?
The house was quiet and everyone was in bed, including Rick. I was pumped. I had a new episode of HGTV’s Fixer Upper DVR’d and waiting on me! I heated up a mug of spiced apple cider that I had made the day before that had simmered for hours with cinnamon sticks and cloves and even a whole nutmeg that I cracked myself with my kitchen hammer.
I really can’t think of anything right now that makes me feel more like a serious DIY’er than cracking my own freakin nutmeg! I’m sure Joanna cracks her own nutmegs too because she’s big time; just like I want to be. And NO…(said with an obnoxious head bob)… I didn’t mean to say kitchen “mallet”. I have one of those as well and the flip side is a meat tenderizer. I have a kitchen freakin hammer and if you don’t have one you probably need one. Also, if you still have Christmas gifts left to it get, its a great idea. You can even get a free one at Lowes, usually twice a month at 10 o’clock, during “Build and Grow”. That’s how I got mine. In addition to the endless recipes where I use my kitchen freakin hammer it is a helpful attention getting tool when banged on a wooden cutting board with each syllable of “DO YOU HEAR ME!!!” And I digress…
Well, right as Chip and Joanna were saying, “Greg and Judy, are you ready to see your fixer-upper!?!?!?” and my internal voice that was yelling, “yes, yes, yes!!!” I heard a scurrying noise coming from somewhere in my kitchen. I easily pushed pause to take a deeper listen (because the pause button is where I keep my thumb during the big reveal so I can be sure to take it all in) and I once again heard a scurry.
You see, I knew what it was so I didn’t get too worked up. We had some unwanted house quests last year during the holidays and figured they were just returning. And NO…I’m not talking about my in laws because they bring chocolate fudge with nuts, chocolate fudge with cherries, peanut butter fudge, and snowball cookies when they come at Christmas. I’m talking about critters, looking for a cozy place to spend the winter. Let it be known that if one of their living requirements is an emotionally healthy and calm environment they would surely pass us by. However, our house is warm and always has small bits of food on the floor which I’m sure are at the top of a mouse’s must-haves in selecting a home for the winter.
I decided to set some traps following the big reveal but it was so fabulous I think I experienced some kind of moment or something and forgot about the little critter and went on to bed. Sophia and Rick however, discovered the little fella the next morning when it nearly scampered over Rick’s house slipper. He set the traps and loaded them with peanut butter and place them where our visitor’s stay from last year had instantaneously ended one night while we were all in bed.
Due to visual and auditory evidence suggesting that our visitor was still among us, I continued to bate, night after night, several snap traps with huge dollops of peanut butter only to be found the next morning licked clean. Unsure of how long it would take or how much peanut butter our critter would need to consume before his blood triglyceride levels would become dangerously high inducing a massive heart attack peacefully in his sleep, I began to look for other options. I was at Walmart and came across some Sticky Traps. Then, without thinking much more than “if that little mouse is too small to trip the snap trap, this should work” and pitched a few in the buggy with Haley and marked them off my list.
Well, about 30 minutes after that trap was set the little fella was caught. It was in that moment that I felt the Sticky Traps should come with a HUGE warning sign on them and even require a signature to purchase, alerting haphazard Walmart shoppers that they will, if successful, have a sweet, little, LIVE, mouse, to contend with!!! After a quick GOOGLE search, making sure I didn’t have humane euthanizing chemicals on hand in my house, I woke Rick up and I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
Before I continue with this mouse story I feel the sudden urge to give you a brief explanation of my weight lost history. I am NOT one of those people who can simply “cut out chips and soda and start using the stairs” and drop the pounds. I’m one of those people who mentally practices sweet ninja moves that end with non fatal throat shots when I hear statements like the above. But this week, even during this holiday season, I have dropped a solid 2 – 3 pounds and I have done absolutely nothing!!! I mean absolutely nothing other than keep my house’s thermostat set a little high. Now, before you begin imagining my throat with a target on it, I have to tell you about my product idea. I think it’s truly flawless. Flawless.
Last week Rick came in from work and did a little “sniff, sniff” then said, “do you smell something”? I said, “no” and went on about my business. The next day however, I walked into the house, after being gone for a bit, and also did a little “sniff, sniff” and I too smelled something… but what was it? We then began to notice that the smell, which by the next day became a putrid stench was worse when the heat kicked on. After some deliberation we decided that the putrid stench was not sewer like but most definitely the scent of an unwanted guest that was decomposing.
I searched and searched on my hands and knees with a flashlight until I identified the unreachable source wafting up from behind Rick’s favorite TV watching chair from an air duct. Well, I’ll assume that the heating and cooling industry does not consider a dead rodent in an air vent an environmental emergency like I do and they have not yet to gotten to me.
It got worse before it got better. I was concerned that strangers would smell decomposition stench coming from me that had soaked into my clothes and hair. I was nervous to answer the door, afraid I had desensitized to the severity of the aroma, and the UPS man would have to force a smile while delivering our packages but wondering all the while “how do they live that way”?!
On the positive side of this stinky situation, every time I decided to supplement my afternoon coffee with some Christmas goodies or take part in chewing therapy to manage our hectic holiday schedule, the heat would kick on and I would get a big whiff of decomposition and completely lose my appetite!
It was during a Christmas party this weekend that I came up with the idea for D-COMP: the portable stench. All natural, safe, and effective; stimulating the hardwired instinct: Aversion. You see, the product could easily be packaged much like one of those Vics inhalers and it could be fashionably disguised like lip gloss or something. I’m sure it would require a short brainstorming meeting, where we make one of those awesome bubble diagrams, but in the end I’m sure that our sporadic ideas would be tied together leaving us with nothing short of a phenomenal business and product design.
Then, thanks to D-COMP, that next time you’re in line at a Christmas party disappointed with the capability of your thoughts, worrying that if the octogenarian in front of you, wearing plaid Christmas pants, doesn’t advance his walker at a quicker pace, that last snowflake, shortbread cookie, covered in sugared pearls glistening in the candlelight, will never be yours!!!… you could simply and nonchalantly slip your inhaler of D-COMP up to your nose like you were going to apply some lip gloss and take a nice whiff! I guarantee you would step to the side without a care in the world who gets that last cookie or really even care about eating at all. (By the way, that was just an example of a terrible and disrespectful thought that one of you shortbread lovers might have. I would never think that and even had a hard time coming up with it.)
You will instantaneously stop thinking about how delightfully smooth those little M&M’s can slide out that tubular packaging and directly into your mouth. D-COMP. You will no longer be a slave to self justifying thoughts such as, how it would almost be negligent of you as a parent NOT take this learning opportunity to reinforce “Love and Logic” and the consequences of leaving your important belongings out and about instead of being in your room. D-COMP
That’s it folks. Practically shelf ready. I can’t imagine any hurdles we will come across but if you would like to join me for a mindmapping meeting, where we drink a lot of coffee and shout out random thoughts to tie up some loose ends before promoting, give me a toll free jingle:
Lastly, just in case I don’t have time to write a beautiful, heartwarming Christmas story where I don’t talk about dead rodents and how they can stink up your house…
I hope you have a gift that you cannot wait to give and that you receive one that is delivered with as much love as the one you can’t wait to give!