I’ve been awake now for at least 2 hours in a hotel room in Clarksburg, WV. You see, we started our Thanksgiving celebration last night with Rick’s family. Yes, I did say Thanksgiving; Nov. 7th just seemed most convenient for all this year.
As we returned to the hotel nearing 11pm with 3 tired children, I was already looking forward to my Robust brew that the Hampton offers and was hoping for a fabulous night’s sleep. With hopeful aspiration, I encouraged Harrison and Rick to go to Uncle Tom’s room for the night saying, “Yeah, it will be fun!…boys room/girls room… you know!” The fact is I knew that Rick’s snore guard would not be able to withstand the weight of his brown liquor induced soft palate relaxation, and the snoring would be tremendous. They agreed and I assured them that these new sleeping arrangements would be so fun for all that they would most definitely become a tradition that would ranked in the Leatherman Family’s top 10 Thanksgiving favorites.
I woke up however, at 1:30 a.m., to the sound of pre-vomiting coming from my bed mate Haley who had just turned 3. I jumped up in a stupor to find a trash can. Luckily her sounds were non productive and she didn’t even wake up. This pre-vomiting gurgle however, continued every 15 minutes for the next hour or so and always reoccurred just as I was getting back to sleep.
I so badly wanted to roll over onto my left side, placing Haley in a position just behind me, and get a good night’s sleep, but I knew that as soon as I did Haley would surely throw up in my “Day 1 Hair” and I would have to wash, dry and style it in the morning and miss out tomorrow on my quick touch up of “Day 2 Hair”. Additionally, I knew I had to be on top of my game so I wouldn’t hit her sweet little lip with the trash can or her head into the headboard……..again.
As I lay there I couldn’t stop thinking about a lecture I had to sit through at a conference in Pittsburgh titled “The Physiology of Vomiting”. No, I’m not kidding. It was a vestibular rehab “New Research in Review Conference” and the entire weekend was a hoot. The speaker sounded like Kermit the Frog’s brother and to say it nicely, he was so full of intelligence that there was little room left over for social skills. He went on to say… “following the relaxation of the smooth muscle found within the stomach and the esophageal sphincter, the diaphragm and other accessory respiratory musculature strongly constrict forcing the vomitus up and out of the mouth ending the retching phase and beginning the climactic expulsion phase”. I was dying. I was quietly looking around, trying to find one other colleague who was being challenged as much as I, with maintaining their professional maturity. Not one taker. This made me miss and think of my childhood, laughing in church, pew buddy.
I lay there awake, well aware that little Haley’s GI issues were my fault. You see, after multiple failed attempts at trying to feed my children a semi-balanced meal at the party I quit and let them take care of themselves for the night. Haley spent all night eating chips and dessert and crushing those little Kool Aid squeeze bottles. They had a blast!!! …and so was I until Sophia reported to me that a distant cousin of Rick’s had placed Harrison in the “penalty box”. I never really found out what he did but I had enjoyed my adult time in the other room, pretending my children were being angels, while it lasted.
By the way, I’ve discovered that is possible to pull off “Day 3 Hair”, even in public, if you pair it with workout wear as described in MIXED EMOTIONS (https://whodriedmyjeans.com/2015/08/12/mixed-emotions/) and skip makeup. Warning: People may look with wonder, causing you to doubt your acting abilities, but you must…I repeat…MUST continue along your way, exuding the lie that you are basking in that perfect balance between total exhaustion and exhilaration that is found only after finishing a very challenging work out. If executed confidently NO ONE will question the true reason why your hair appears slightly wet and shiny while shopping in Walmart.
Haley even looks forward to “Day 2 Hair”