Gag Rag

Every once in a while I think something that makes me wonder, “would any other good and loving parent I know think something like what I just thought?”. I then go on to wonder, if those same parents were asked, would they quickly respond, “Oh, you’re perfectly normal, don’t worry about it!” or would they go on to offer me the name of their favorite crazy pill or counselor.

I’ve decided that I’m going to test out my readers’ opinions by providing you with one of my most recent, not too whacked out thoughts. Then, if there is an overwhelming response as to “YES”, I’m perfectly normal, I will then go on to share other, more jacked up questionable thoughts I’ve had and consider this free therapy.

In addition, if you’ve had a thought that you thought was totally messed up but would like to see what others think of your thought, you can share it with me. Then, if I don’t think you are totally psycho and need a counselor or a crazy pill or your children removed from your home, I’ll share it with all my readers like it was my thought so you can see if your normal! I think this is going to be so much fun and very helpful to all of us who’ve thought things that maybe we shouldn’t be thinking when it comes to parenting…or maybe we’re fine and should quit worrying about it and start appreciating our creative minds.

Rick was out-of-town last weekend, enjoying his fall, into the winter season, part-time job as the #1 West Virginia Mountaineer’s football fan and I was in a pew at church with all 3 of our children. At one point during the service I began to wonder why I made the effort to bathe, fix my hair, put on makeup and get them all looking presentable in the first place.

Things started off nicely with them coloring in O’s on their bulletins like I taught them and how I entertained myself as a child in church back in the olden days. However, after just a few minutes, one of them apparently saw an “O” on their sibling’s forearm and used a daggering type coloring in technique that was so aggressive they would have surely torn through their bulletin and marked on the hymnal underneath had they been doing as I had taught them.  Aaaaaaaannnnnnd the fights were on…

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Imagine this with a dagger

Since I was preoccupied thinking about how loyal and faithful my husband Rick is………………….to The West Virginia Mountaineers, I lacked supermom patience and went straight to my last resort…CANDY. After what seemed like five minutes of rapper rattling they seemed content until Haley decided she didn’t want hers anymore and needed some place to spit it. I somehow didn’t have any tissues in my purse like I always do as you may have read about in Every Drop.  I therefore had to receive the sloppy, spit laden candy in my hand. Then, with no other options, I went on to pretend I was coughing and threw it in my mouth. I was then forced to pretend I was bending down to get something off the floor, that my children had dropped, so I could lick my hand free of stickiness, thus allowing me the capability to focus during the rest of the service. I don’t know about you but even after three children I have no ability to concentrate if there’s something sticky on me. (By the way, Every Drop talks about one of my favorite, worst situations in church about the boy pictured below.)

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Things continued on like this until I was deep in thought about reasonable and psychologically healthy and quiet entertainment techniques. I then remembered visiting The Lewisburg United Methodist Church one time. They had the cutest little canvas activity bags, hanging on pegs, stuck in a post, just outside of the sanctuary, like little trees. They even had age appropriate bags to choose from! I continued to think about these bags as my younger 2 children’s behavior seemed to go downhill and I began to receive looks from my prepubescent daughter that shouted, “I can’t believe you raised me!” and “I’m totally not having kids…that’s crazy”.

The next thing I thought was how nice it would be if our church had activity bags too! However, in addition to all the activities, every one of these bags would contain a Taser! (Of course it could only be turned on by a secret password that only parents would know. What do you think I am? Unsafe?) At first, I thought a stun gun would be sufficient and of course more budget friendly for a non-profit organization like a church, but there are times when your child or someone else’s is just out of reach and a stun gun just wouldn’t do the job.

Of course the Taser couldn’t be of street strength but it could come with a little dial on the side and you could select the appropriate strength of current delivered based on age. You know, under 4 and over 4, and then there would be an emergency strength that could be used at the parents’ discretion regardless of age. I’m sure we could get really cute ones made; you know, with little rainbows and unicorns on them. We could also have a scripture verse put on the back! Something like, “spare the rod spoil the child” would be well suited I think.

I then remembered that my children, unlike me who could receive a pinch in the thigh that felt like a yellow jacket stinging your leg and not make a peep; knowing that yellow jackets can sting again as needed, my children would carry on like they had just been Tased or something and start yelling “call the cops”. I still don’t know where I went wrong on this one.

It was then, I decided that the cute little canvas bags would also need to contain a muzzle or a gag rag. We could of course flavor the rags with sugar-free strawberry flavoring or something to make the experience of gagging just a little more pleasant.

Minus a few kinks to work out, I was almost done mentally preparing my activity bag presentation for The Nursery Committee, and how I’d offer to anonymously fund the idea for the first year of his existence, when I heard the children being dismissed for children’s church. My little ones slipped past me; one offering a hug and kiss before she left. I then watched them smile and skip, holding hands, as they left the sanctuary. At that moment no one could have convinced me that I wasn’t watching the most precious scene I had ever witnessed and I even thought about how “perfect” my kids are. (That even included Haley, who recently chopped the entire left side of her hair off and only had curls on the right side bouncing.)

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Buds back then and now…sometimes!

So now it’s time to vote. If you think I’m TOTALLY normal, please hit “share” or “like”. I will then do some simple math and subtract the number of “shares” and “likes” from the total number of people who read this blog post to decide if I am then normal or need to seek some professional counseling.

In addition, if you have had this exact same thought, please contact me by email because we might have Best Friends compatibility and not know it yet! How exciting!

P.S. I promise I didn’t go on to think that these rainbow tasers, with a scripture verse on the back, and a muzzle in a canvas bag would be my new, favorite go-to birthday gift idea. Promise. That would totally make me whacked out and probably fill all our Saturday and Sunday afternoons with birthday parties, once the news was out.

P.P.S. Other than his WVU Athletics problem, I am quite possibly married to the World’s Greatest!

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